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How can i be less 'available' for my boyfriend?

Discussion in 'relationships & family' started by stella, Nov 17, 2009.

  1. stella

    stella New Member

    Hey Kitties

    A little advice. Because I go out of my mind trying to figure this out in my own head. Basically I want to know how to be a little more 'unavailable' for my boyfriend. More exciting and mysterious and not just make my life all about him.

    Here's the background info;

    We've been together for over a year, first 6 months we spent every moment together that we werent working, both pretty obsessed with each other, both had normal jobs though and spent our evenings doing fun stuff together.

    But the last 6 months my boy has been working night shifts. And since he's been doing that, things have changed.. We never get to do any of the usual relationship stuff together (go out, experience stuff together) because hes constantly working. This has really put my life on hold.
    He works about 12 hr shifts, and after sleeping he has about an hour or two before he gets ready and goes again. This has been up to 6 days a week sometimes.

    to put it mildly and ill openly admit, this has made me become rather obsessive in my attempts to spend every minute possible with him when hes home. My life is just about him (& yes its getting boring for me too) Yet, he's usually tired, seems uninterested in sex (i do believe this is because of time and tiredness), and would rather watch tv then spend quality time with me coz hes too tired to do much else (& i dont have much interesting to talk about) and really and hour or less a day is no amount of time in which to do anything fun or exciting together.

    So I can see the needy monster i have become, and its not that attractive, i do feel it has made him less interested in me. i mean 'abscence makes the heart go fonder' or whatever, and having a chick following u around every spare minute u have at home must really begin to get on your nerves..

    the problem really is i dont know how to be less 'available', without faking it. we live together for a start. i dont have many friends to hang out with (im 24 and i really dont know how to make new friends at this age!). i find myself being there for him to help him make some dinner to take to work most nights, doing his washing for him and helping him get ready for work so we have more time together..

    im usually the one initiating sex (& often getting rejected coz its never a good time / opp body clocks and stuff)
    im usually waiting up at night for his late night phonecall (on his break)
    then i wake up at 5-6am when he gets home to spend an hour with him before he sleeps
    i make sure im home by 4-5pm to see him when he wakes up to get ready for work

    i know, get a life right? then id have something more interesting to talk to him about (and not just him and his work and my evening at home with the cat , lol) but how? ive always been in serious relationships since age 16, and not quite sure how to have my own independance, etc..

    how can i make myself more interesting
    how can i make new friends or find new hobbies
    basic stuff right..

    what are your tips on keeping yourself more mysterious to your boyf?
    dont laff at me pleeassse hehehehe :p :p :p

    OH also, this work hes been doing is finishing THIS WEEK., woohoo, we will probably start to be a bit better but i fear the stigma of my obsessiveness will still be hanging over our heads, you know? xo
    3 people like this.
  2. phoenix rose

    phoenix rose irreplaceable

    being w. someone who works 3rd shift sucks ass from my experience and others who have been through it as well
    try to find a new bf
    2 people like this.
  3. punksnotdead

    punksnotdead New Member

    You say you make sure you get home to see him before work. I say fuck that, if you have something to do then do it. I think that you need to give him a little space. If the only time he gets on his own, whilst actually awake, is when his at work he must be pretty stressed and wanting to have a bit of lone time and just chill out by himself. We all need that time!

    As for making new friends, why dont you start doing something with your evenings when his at work. Maybe join a reading group, dance class or just spend more time with the friends you do have. It'll have a lot of benefits. 1) it'll give you something interesting to talk about when he is around. 2) it'll fill up your spare time so you aren't waiting around for him to call, that is no way to live! & 3) it will make you feel better as you will be more sociable and maybe experience new things and make new friends.

    Also, stop doing everything for him! I know its hard, as i love making my boyfriend dinner, doing his washing, making him breakfast in bed ect as he likes it. But you dont want to be taken for granted, which tbh it sounds like you are!

    I think that by giving him space and also not constantly being there for him to do everything will give him the wake up he needs! &Maybe you should also talk to him about this, see what he actually wants.
  4. Hellish With Relish

    Hellish With Relish sad tomato

    To be honest I think you're a bit of a trooper for putting up with such a difficult situation. I'd say the problem is more that you feel you don't have enough going on in your own life and you should focus on that rather than making it about your boyfriend. But yeah you're right, once you have your own stuff going on it'll improve your relationship because you'll be happier.
  5. debaser

    debaser suicide pact - you first

    set up "date nights" in advance so you can be together and look forward to seeing each other.
  6. Beatrice

    Beatrice dreaming frankenstein

    oh, here's to hoping it gets better once this night shift job is over. we would all be m.i.a. what with that shift pattern. this is the extent of my advice.
  7. DirtySkye

    DirtySkye devil decibel

    there was a long while where me and my bf were on completely different shifts. ( a few different times)
    it got to the point where i felt like a sex junkie cause every night he'd be so tired and i would just want him. and he would always be asleep. i would get dressed up, cook him dinner, bed.
    then the crying.
    it's a tough situation but if you guys love each other it's nothing at all, you'll pull through it. just try not to fret too much
  8. Mikerochip

    Mikerochip dıɥɔoɹǝʞıɯ

    I don't think you need any advice, just maybe a little encouragement in what you've already decided?
    Also, isn't it a moot point anyhow?
    1 person likes this.
  9. phoenix rose

    phoenix rose irreplaceable

    ok i managed to read al of your post except for this last part

    yeah so the 3rd shift seems kinda irrelavant now
    find a way to make new friends if that feels like something that is missing in your life
    and what debaser said too is good
    that was one thing me and my ex used to do that did work well
  10. stella

    stella New Member

    i did try random going out, but was always with friends and never tried to meet new people (um only boys seem to one to meet u when yr out, not really chicks!/friendables.. lol!) ill give it a go but :)

    yeh, i see what you mean. this morning i didnt wake up for him when he got home, instead he hopped into bed with me and we ended up having amazing sex which i think was a really good sign. :)


    i tried a dance class but it wasnt very social, like, not the kind of environment to chat to your neighbour.. ill have a think about what else i could do..

    hehe you hit the nail on the head, i do toooooo much. i think i remember the point i started babying him and i felt a bit like a motherly figure and not a girlfriend. haha. ill try to refrain! because you are right, i have been feeling very taken for granted. thanks so much for the sensible advice. i was dreading everybody telling me he's lame and im lame and just leave him. hehe :)
  11. stella

    stella New Member

    aww thanks!!! that makes me feel good, you know - like i'm used to thinking i'm the one who has a problem with the situation and now someone telling me 'no, it's a shit situation' really takes a bit of weight off my shoulders.. ill keep working at it. thanks :)

    yeh i love this idea. he actually took me on a kind of date a few weeks ago and we had an awesome night, ill try and see if he wants to continue this. :) :) :)

    i know, i have been hanging on by a thread waiting for it to be over. it was over once but they called him back! (AGHHH!!!) but this is finally it for the whole job so maybe two more nights! counting down . ...

    YES! YES! i feel like im obsessed with sex too for the same reason, lol. oh you make me feel more normal now. it is so hard, it has just taken me a long time to explain / make him see how hard it is for me, and to find other work!

    yeh i guess your right. sometimes you go to ask advice on here and as your typing it you come up with the right answer. :D

    ahh it was a long post ;) thanks. i guess the shiftwork has brought me to this place and now that it will be over, i want to know i can go back to some kind of normalcy, and not still be this overbearing. i think ill get there.. ive got the right attitude ???
  12. punksnotdead

    punksnotdead New Member

    Glad to hear you got some amazing sex!

    Coincidently, I found out yesterday that my boyfriend is starting night shifts :/ I dont live with him and most days im at uni or work till late at night myself. So, I think im going to be in a very similar situation!
  13. anneli

    anneli Overdriiiive

    Sounds like you two are doing amazingly considering the situation. Little bit of advice

    1) Mothering MUST stop. I used to mother my ex and it did my head in. In the end I ended it because I felt like a nag, which is never fun. Plusss if we were meant to do it wouldn't it be called girlfriending?

    2) Ooh, hobbies is definitely a good idea. Even if it's just going to the gym? (this will improve your confidence too, and believe me I am no gym bunny)

    3) Ann Summers. - goddess of sexlife

    4) Get him to book time off in advance? Tell him you think you should go on a weekend away together? Doesn't have to be fancy - evenjust going to stay with a friend in the next city can add excitement :)

    Good luck. And you'll be fine :) You can see the problems and that is always the first step to solving them

    xx
  14. TheEmpress

    TheEmpress McLovin

    Mothering is no good.

    I advise you to get a hobby that you can't do at home, so that you will have to get out of the house. If you can't think of anything, just go to the gym every day or go to the library and read. I also think that you shouldn't do this in order to be "mysterious for your bf", you should be doing it for your own sake Depending too much on other people makes you vulnerable. Do it for yourself, not just to make him want you more.

    If he keeps turning you down when you want sex I think you should just leave it for a while and let him come to you instead.

    I hope it will work out for you, because it sounds like a shitty situation.

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